stuck .. <3

sooo..i haven't blogged in a while. but what's on my mind is just SCREAMING to come out. i haven't tlked to my babe ALL DAY. no email, aim txt, smoke signal, telegram....nothing =| Granted, I could've called him, emailed him, or checked to see if he was on AIM...but I didn't. From what I remember from last night when we were on the phone, he had to get up for something...and me getting my days all mixed up I def. thought today was Sunday and that he was at church (smh @ myself). So I'm waiting on his phone call or aim txt, something. So I decided to just engross myself in my 2D design homework. Which I worked on for about 3 hours straight, then I went to the Fall Fest, and then the swing dance meeting whatever....But that's besides the point. On to what I really needed to say...

I think about my boyfriend all the cotton-picking time. If my mind isn't one thing...it's on him. He constantly comes up because so many things remind me of him. I have so much love for this guy that is ridiculous. Granted we have communication problems..but I really want to work through them because I feel like we can get through anything. We've had our ups and downs and I'm sure there have been times where we just were absolutely disgusted w|one another, or just tired of each others bullshit. But I feel like our love for each other trumps ALL of that. No matter what we face, I always think back to "I really love this guy, and I want to work it out." Every time. I love him so much but its like stuck inside..how do I get this love to radiate from my body? How do I get this love to become so apparent, that there is no doubt in anybody's mind that I'm in love? Is it already like that?? I kinda don't know. I tell him about how I talk about him all the time and it seems like he doesn't believe me. Not even a "haha, I'm jokin bae" I think he's really serious..and its kinda like getting to me now. I don't want another day to go by and my hunny not be sure of how I feel about him.

So, I guess, if he's up to to talking to me tonight..I'll ask him about it. Because I really can not ignore the fact that it seems like he doesn't know how deeply I really feel for him. I don't even know how to put it into words without saying what I've already said before. I love Terence Mychal Holiday from the bottom of my heart. His love for me makes me feel like the prettiest, luckiest girl in the world. When he hugs me, I can feel the love in the long squeeze, when he kisses me, I can taste the love on his lips. Its so evident. There's no doubt in my mind. So when he has doubts I have to step back..like "whoa Ash, what the heck is going on here?" and we've been down this road before, and I thought I had started to let him know on a regular basis. With the text messages in the middle of the day, but I get no response..I know you got it..Why aren't you saying anything? I keep doing it, and still no response..so I back off a little..and after a while, I just stop. I mean, it's not like he never responded, but there have been times where I at least expected an "aw" or "ok" and I got nothing. Perfect example, yesterday..when I text him about me driving. No response. I asked him about it, and his reply was something like I never did it while he was in Virginia, and he's right...I didn't. But now when I'm driving, I realized I should have. Should've grabbed every kiss at every moment possible...I just didn't. And I really don't know why I stop myself from doing things so many times.

Its not that I'm afraid to just put it all out there, I really don't know what it is...I just choose not to do certain things which comes off as I don't care when I really do. I gotta get out of that, or my babe will never know how I really feel. So back to the question at hand: How do I get all this love bubbling over on the inside to show on the outside? SHOW IT ALREADY DAMNIT. Is what I'm screaming at myself on a regular basis. *sigh* I love yu babe.

by myself.

sooooo; my nite is all fucked up. Ty very much. Great nite w|the best that came to an end &that was cool. Tired of going the xtra mile to show i care jst so it is perceived as a bitch bein xtra since i'm blowin yu up &shit. Knwin that if i would've jst let it be...there would've been a prpblem. So now i'm feelin all fucked up &lonely. Dnt wanna tlk to anyone..b|c i'm sure they will be no help. Dnt wanna tlk to him b|c i aint got shit to say. Except i love yu &goodnite. Ugh ugh ugh. I feel like i need a frickin shrink.

thinking too much...

Sometimes I think about if life just stopped how easy things would be...Our problems would be left unsolved..but hey, I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. But then I think again, how childish, and stupid am I to think that if I just die..I'll be fine. I want to live my life to the maximum, want to take as many opportunities as possible, be successful, be happy. But life is life. Life has trials, tribulations, days full of sorrow and days full of joy. You never know what life is going to bring you each and every day. I admit, I'm going through a lot of different things right now. There have been plenty of times when I just let people make decisions for me, because I was too lazy to think for myself. The few friends I have (or had) probably don't want anything to do with me now..I just don't know. People grow up, people change, we all are going to do our own thing in one way or another. I still don't know what to think about that whole situation, but I'm not gonna stress myself out trying to wrap my mind around it. I prayed about it, I'm done worrying. Gave it to God, I'll let him handle the rest. I know he can work it out because he told me so. Me and Him had a nice little talk yesterday. I'm always looking for an actual person to talk to, when all I need to do is go to God..I make the simplest things so difficult. UGH. I have GOT to get it together. School time is almost here..got about 3 more weeks. I'm so excited. As the days go by, I think I get a little more anxious too. Not about meeting new people, but about the work. I was a bit lazy in high school. I know all that has to change because this is college, we pay for this stuff now. I have to be ontop of things, start assignments on time so I don't have to pull all-nighters unless its necessary. Waiting until the last minute can't be the solution to doing everything anymore. Its time to be responsible, time to do things on my own. Good grades aren't just going to fall in my lap, I've got to work for them. I'm prepared to bust my ass in college. I don't want to be just a good student, I want to be an excellent student. Organized, willing to work, ready to learn, ready to put forth the EFFORT to learn even more. I want to learn how to create balance in my school work and social life. I never had that in high school. I was always putting other things before my work. Yeah, I got it done, but I def. know there are other ways to get work done. Ready to ship head on out of VA September 10th, 2009. Its comin up, I'm so ready to go =)

mwaahh.

sittin up ; its 2am. boredd.
hunnybunches fell asleep on me...so i think. but its all good. hope yur dreamin sweetly babe =] tired of photoshopping for one day. all twittered out. i was def killin it earlier. lol. i knw aint shit poppin on fb. no one to txt. dnt wanna talk. soooo..me&my blog can vibe real quick =] this is my newest; favoritest picture:


HOT <3 ; bbyqirl is smoookiiin! ow! lol.
i love it; totally off guard. came out pretty decent if yu ask me.

i need for my ipod to catch up w|my computer. i dwnlded sum laura izibor today =]
her voice is absolutely BEAUTIFUL; she's irish i think. looove her accent.
<3 this song ; 'shine'



i am absolutely SICK of this phone; it keeps freezing. takes 50 million seconds to unlock. i touch the screen and its delayed..takes a few seconds to do what i tell it to do. grrrrrr! makes me angry. prob. gonna call sprint tmrw &see what they have to say about it. this is the THIRD freakin phone i've had. and i only fucked it up ONCE. the other two times it was their fault. oh yeah, i forgot to mention that my end button BARELY freakin wrks. gotta almost break yur finger to end a call...sooo..i jst settle w|touchin the screen. or not hanging up, letting the other person hit their end button &my phone will hang up eventually =/ what the heck!

ahhh! i miss my babe. wish i coulda heard his voice 1more time before I laid my head dwn. poop. i heard it on the voicemail though =] soooo that makes me feel a lil better =] can't wait to see him. hope everything wrks out on his end to get his ass here. ahhh! =] lol.

my eyes are either really dry, heavy, or a combination of the two.
i'm gonna go w|heavy eyes.
i'm out =]

mwaahh !* - that's for my babe.

in need of a smile =|

bf decided not to come to va; b|c he'd rather see me spend my money on something else. WHERE DID THIS GUY COME FROM ? when i read the msg, i think my heart almost popped out my chest. I still haven't done it yet, because I'm gonna see if I can get help with my laptop. I don't want it to actually register that I won't be seeing my bf in 31 days =\ makes me sad.

sweetest thing <3

the past couple of days have been absolutely positively wonderful. my babe will be here in 40 days. it'll be 3months tmrw. he's the best. i couldn't ask for anything better. lauren's here talkin my dern head off. my gawsh. but at least its interesting. i've been on this computer for hours. think im gonna brainstorm some more tattoo ideas. i'm so ready for the next one. amor vincit omnia back of my neck probably. looking forward to a rib tattoo. &one behind the other ear. i poured out my heart to my love today. my letter was really heartfelt..i was sooo scared to send it. i asked myself over&over again..what if he thinks this is crap? because he says the sweetest things to me &the things i say can't even compare. they are unbelievably sweet. i don't want to compete. jst say what i feel my way i suppose. i still think that its nothing compared to how he expresses his love lolol. can't wait till he gets here. september 1st. i'll be right at that airport w|the biggest, goofiest, kool-aid smile i can manage to put on my face. can't wait to hug&kiss him. *sigh* i'm so ready. i've lived the day in my head like 80 times. I still don't knw how I'm gonna act. hopefully i won't cut up! rofl.

already?

sooo ; seems like hunnybunches is on his way bck up here some time soon. i have missed him soo =\ it would be wonderful to see him though. but i'm gonna be leaving for school in a month &a half. as soon as he gets bck i'm on my way bck to where he jst came from. BLAAAH. its all good though. its gonna be hard..really really hard..but i knw we can make it.

excuse me.

sooo..pretty much i have let the day pass me by. last night was wonderful. chillin, listenin, to maxwell &listenin to my babe dream =) great. today i haven't dne much of anything. ate all the chicken out my caesar salad &a piece of a biscuit. shrimp would be sooo good right now. crabs would be even better..its friday, i wanna go out, chill &have fun. what to dooooo? what to do ? need to call the ymca, i def. wanna take yoga. i have a free membership...why not ? still thinkin about gymnastics..THAT would be wonderful. i would get up &get dressed...but i dnt wanna put on clothes ¬ go anywhere. lol. that would be a waste. heard about a football game...lets see who's goin to that. hm..nap anyone? definitely. =)

sooo...

i guess im kinda havin a 'where do i go from here?' moment...i need to stop worrying already. im not lookin for a to-do list like ashley number one: blah blah blah number two: blah blah blah...i just have to keep living..its okay to say "hey, i dnt knw how to live this life" its all good ash...

good gawsh.

i dnt even knw where to start w|this one. i sent that msg..no turning bck now. i feel like i can go nowhere but up now...i let all that out..well not all of it, but a lot is out ¬ in where its supposed to be. i wanna knw who was the idiot who tld me i couldn't cry ?! idk why i have issues w|shedding tears...i always feel real weird afterward. been goin bck &forth w|this stuff in my head for a lil while now..idk if him bringing it up was a good thing for us or a bad thing. i jst knw i need to get my life together....ASAP. this jst got really really REAL for me. no joke, so serious. i dnt even knw where to start w|my life. its all over the map. i need to fall on my face, that's what the crap i need to do...i feel like im about to reintroduce myself to the wrld as someone who will not conform anymore. i refuse to be defined by it. i already dnt fit in trying to be apart of a lot of things so i might as well get used to sticking out. idk where our relationship goes from here either...he says i dnt knw what yu knw...does that really matter? i mean, crap..idk. i think what really matters to me is im dne w|the bull. seriously...&maybe that vibrant, lovely girl will come back out from underneath the crap..i jst want my life bck...when i used to sing, that's when i felt closest...i sing now...nothing. at least that's what i'm supposed to believe. i gotta wrk this thing out...its gonna be hard, really, really hard..but things will never always be peachy...im about ready to make some folk mad..what have i got to lose that i haven't lost already ?!

*sighh

Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.

terence m. holiday. the asshole of a fuxkin lifetime; but i love him from the top of my head to the sole of my feet. i must say, i have a soft spot for the s.o.b. lmao. he keeps me smilin, keeps me lauhin, &acts like he absolutely ADORES me. rofl. he's always on my mind, can't seem to shake him off..notta bad thing, it really doesn't bother me. i see us goin places&doin things...in all our differences, arguments, &disagreements...we always sort thru the bullshxt &realize that we really do truly love each other. i dnt want him to go anywhere for a long long time. when we dnt talk, i feel empty, that's my baby! i've grown so much in the time that we've been together..seems like we've been thru thick&thin already..EMOTIONALLY. i jst realized today how difficult becoming vulnerable can be. so many layers&layers of hurt, anger and rejection..they never make the next step ANY easier. i'm taking dwn the walls around me that once stood miles high. he's too good for that, i can't love him half-heartedly. i have to love him w|my WHOLE heart. i love this roller coaster that we seem to always be on. it doesn't matter. i have issues, he has issues..we're jst two havin issues mofo's. i frickin LOVE IT. wouldn't trade him for the wrld. he's here for a reason..a damn good one too. i love yu bae. forever&ever [dnt kill me for the pic; i <3 it] roflmao.

photography*

i think this may have been the picture that made me realize that photography was something i really wanted to pursue. I named this one "The sky is not the limit" Not being negative, just not limiting my potential to the sky's reach. I knw i can do better&beyond the sky's limits. Saying the sky is the limit is simply not enough for me. I want more, need more to keep me going. I dream big and plan on acting big. Going to college is something that I've been looking forward to for a while now. I'm ready to meet the new people &gain the many experiences. I'm gonna miss home, I knw I will. But I think I'm ready to move forward &leave the little girl behind. It's time to grow up &start being more responsible. Time to motivate myself, go the extra mile to be successful. I think I'm ready for the challenge. If it gets hard it should simply be mind over matter..."If you don't mind, then it shouldn't matter."

toodaay*

the days seem to get shorter&shorter.
&my nights get longer&longer.
its all good though ; my music keeps me company.
when hubby seems so far away =) love that guy.
he's the shxt. - def. feelin this wale&lupe track.