in need of a smile =|

bf decided not to come to va; b|c he'd rather see me spend my money on something else. WHERE DID THIS GUY COME FROM ? when i read the msg, i think my heart almost popped out my chest. I still haven't done it yet, because I'm gonna see if I can get help with my laptop. I don't want it to actually register that I won't be seeing my bf in 31 days =\ makes me sad.

sweetest thing <3

the past couple of days have been absolutely positively wonderful. my babe will be here in 40 days. it'll be 3months tmrw. he's the best. i couldn't ask for anything better. lauren's here talkin my dern head off. my gawsh. but at least its interesting. i've been on this computer for hours. think im gonna brainstorm some more tattoo ideas. i'm so ready for the next one. amor vincit omnia back of my neck probably. looking forward to a rib tattoo. &one behind the other ear. i poured out my heart to my love today. my letter was really heartfelt..i was sooo scared to send it. i asked myself over&over again..what if he thinks this is crap? because he says the sweetest things to me &the things i say can't even compare. they are unbelievably sweet. i don't want to compete. jst say what i feel my way i suppose. i still think that its nothing compared to how he expresses his love lolol. can't wait till he gets here. september 1st. i'll be right at that airport w|the biggest, goofiest, kool-aid smile i can manage to put on my face. can't wait to hug&kiss him. *sigh* i'm so ready. i've lived the day in my head like 80 times. I still don't knw how I'm gonna act. hopefully i won't cut up! rofl.

already?

sooo ; seems like hunnybunches is on his way bck up here some time soon. i have missed him soo =\ it would be wonderful to see him though. but i'm gonna be leaving for school in a month &a half. as soon as he gets bck i'm on my way bck to where he jst came from. BLAAAH. its all good though. its gonna be hard..really really hard..but i knw we can make it.

excuse me.

sooo..pretty much i have let the day pass me by. last night was wonderful. chillin, listenin, to maxwell &listenin to my babe dream =) great. today i haven't dne much of anything. ate all the chicken out my caesar salad &a piece of a biscuit. shrimp would be sooo good right now. crabs would be even better..its friday, i wanna go out, chill &have fun. what to dooooo? what to do ? need to call the ymca, i def. wanna take yoga. i have a free membership...why not ? still thinkin about gymnastics..THAT would be wonderful. i would get up &get dressed...but i dnt wanna put on clothes ¬ go anywhere. lol. that would be a waste. heard about a football game...lets see who's goin to that. hm..nap anyone? definitely. =)

sooo...

i guess im kinda havin a 'where do i go from here?' moment...i need to stop worrying already. im not lookin for a to-do list like ashley number one: blah blah blah number two: blah blah blah...i just have to keep living..its okay to say "hey, i dnt knw how to live this life" its all good ash...

good gawsh.

i dnt even knw where to start w|this one. i sent that msg..no turning bck now. i feel like i can go nowhere but up now...i let all that out..well not all of it, but a lot is out ¬ in where its supposed to be. i wanna knw who was the idiot who tld me i couldn't cry ?! idk why i have issues w|shedding tears...i always feel real weird afterward. been goin bck &forth w|this stuff in my head for a lil while now..idk if him bringing it up was a good thing for us or a bad thing. i jst knw i need to get my life together....ASAP. this jst got really really REAL for me. no joke, so serious. i dnt even knw where to start w|my life. its all over the map. i need to fall on my face, that's what the crap i need to do...i feel like im about to reintroduce myself to the wrld as someone who will not conform anymore. i refuse to be defined by it. i already dnt fit in trying to be apart of a lot of things so i might as well get used to sticking out. idk where our relationship goes from here either...he says i dnt knw what yu knw...does that really matter? i mean, crap..idk. i think what really matters to me is im dne w|the bull. seriously...&maybe that vibrant, lovely girl will come back out from underneath the crap..i jst want my life bck...when i used to sing, that's when i felt closest...i sing now...nothing. at least that's what i'm supposed to believe. i gotta wrk this thing out...its gonna be hard, really, really hard..but things will never always be peachy...im about ready to make some folk mad..what have i got to lose that i haven't lost already ?!

*sighh

Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.

terence m. holiday. the asshole of a fuxkin lifetime; but i love him from the top of my head to the sole of my feet. i must say, i have a soft spot for the s.o.b. lmao. he keeps me smilin, keeps me lauhin, &acts like he absolutely ADORES me. rofl. he's always on my mind, can't seem to shake him off..notta bad thing, it really doesn't bother me. i see us goin places&doin things...in all our differences, arguments, &disagreements...we always sort thru the bullshxt &realize that we really do truly love each other. i dnt want him to go anywhere for a long long time. when we dnt talk, i feel empty, that's my baby! i've grown so much in the time that we've been together..seems like we've been thru thick&thin already..EMOTIONALLY. i jst realized today how difficult becoming vulnerable can be. so many layers&layers of hurt, anger and rejection..they never make the next step ANY easier. i'm taking dwn the walls around me that once stood miles high. he's too good for that, i can't love him half-heartedly. i have to love him w|my WHOLE heart. i love this roller coaster that we seem to always be on. it doesn't matter. i have issues, he has issues..we're jst two havin issues mofo's. i frickin LOVE IT. wouldn't trade him for the wrld. he's here for a reason..a damn good one too. i love yu bae. forever&ever [dnt kill me for the pic; i <3 it] roflmao.

photography*

i think this may have been the picture that made me realize that photography was something i really wanted to pursue. I named this one "The sky is not the limit" Not being negative, just not limiting my potential to the sky's reach. I knw i can do better&beyond the sky's limits. Saying the sky is the limit is simply not enough for me. I want more, need more to keep me going. I dream big and plan on acting big. Going to college is something that I've been looking forward to for a while now. I'm ready to meet the new people &gain the many experiences. I'm gonna miss home, I knw I will. But I think I'm ready to move forward &leave the little girl behind. It's time to grow up &start being more responsible. Time to motivate myself, go the extra mile to be successful. I think I'm ready for the challenge. If it gets hard it should simply be mind over matter..."If you don't mind, then it shouldn't matter."

toodaay*

the days seem to get shorter&shorter.
&my nights get longer&longer.
its all good though ; my music keeps me company.
when hubby seems so far away =) love that guy.
he's the shxt. - def. feelin this wale&lupe track.