I think about my boyfriend all the cotton-picking time. If my mind isn't one thing...it's on him. He constantly comes up because so many things remind me of him. I have so much love for this guy that is ridiculous. Granted we have communication problems..but I really want to work through them because I feel like we can get through anything. We've had our ups and downs and I'm sure there have been times where we just were absolutely disgusted w|one another, or just tired of each others bullshit. But I feel like our love for each other trumps ALL of that. No matter what we face, I always think back to "I really love this guy, and I want to work it out." Every time. I love him so much but its like stuck inside..how do I get this love to radiate from my body? How do I get this love to become so apparent, that there is no doubt in anybody's mind that I'm in love? Is it already like that?? I kinda don't know. I tell him about how I talk about him all the time and it seems like he doesn't believe me. Not even a "haha, I'm jokin bae" I think he's really serious..and its kinda like getting to me now. I don't want another day to go by and my hunny not be sure of how I feel about him.
So, I guess, if he's up to to talking to me tonight..I'll ask him about it. Because I really can not ignore the fact that it seems like he doesn't know how deeply I really feel for him. I don't even know how to put it into words without saying what I've already said before. I love Terence Mychal Holiday from the bottom of my heart. His love for me makes me feel like the prettiest, luckiest girl in the world. When he hugs me, I can feel the love in the long squeeze, when he kisses me, I can taste the love on his lips. Its so evident. There's no doubt in my mind. So when he has doubts I have to step back..like "whoa Ash, what the heck is going on here?" and we've been down this road before, and I thought I had started to let him know on a regular basis. With the text messages in the middle of the day, but I get no response..I know you got it..Why aren't you saying anything? I keep doing it, and still no response..so I back off a little..and after a while, I just stop. I mean, it's not like he never responded, but there have been times where I at least expected an "aw" or "ok" and I got nothing. Perfect example, yesterday..when I text him about me driving. No response. I asked him about it, and his reply was something like I never did it while he was in Virginia, and he's right...I didn't. But now when I'm driving, I realized I should have. Should've grabbed every kiss at every moment possible...I just didn't. And I really don't know why I stop myself from doing things so many times.
Its not that I'm afraid to just put it all out there, I really don't know what it is...I just choose not to do certain things which comes off as I don't care when I really do. I gotta get out of that, or my babe will never know how I really feel. So back to the question at hand: How do I get all this love bubbling over on the inside to show on the outside? SHOW IT ALREADY DAMNIT. Is what I'm screaming at myself on a regular basis. *sigh* I love yu babe.
